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The Great Go-Goop War

The Great Go-Goop War

The Great Go-Goop War

The Great Go-Goop War

The Great Go-Goop War

The Great Go-Goop War

The Great Go-Goop War

In homage, and with apology, to the late Theodore Geisel

On a faraway planet beside a far star
So far the best telescopes can't see that far
In a place you can't get to by airplane or bus
There stood a tall tower--the Great Tower of Us

It was taller than all other towers together,
A building so big it looked down on the weather
And yet it grew constantly higher and higher
From deep engine-dungeons, right up to the spire
(Just how did this work? Well, to fully explain
Would take many more words than these verses contain)

The Tower was covered with Plumbing and Wheels
(More like those on bikes than on automobiles)
And up near the stoop of its uppermost coop
Spun the biggest of all Wheels--the so-called Great Hoop
The Hoop spun the Wheels and the Wheels turned the Hoop
And the whole shebang ran in a grand loop-de-loop. . . .

As long as it didn't run out of Go-Goop

Go-Goop! The thick, sticky underground soup
That pulsed in the plumbing and turned the Great Hoop!
'Twas Go-Goop that kept the big rollers from rusting!
Go-Goop that kept all the up-thrusters thrusting!
Go-Goop! Fulfilling the Us-ers' desire
To always go higher and higher and HIGHER. . . .

. . . As long as there was enough Goop to be found
In the great Go-Goop bubbles that grew underground
Now, most Us-ers clung to their coops on the side
of the growing Great Tower--along for the ride
And most did their part as the Tower rose higher
To hold it together with stickum and wire

But others climbed upward to savor the thrill
Of Permanent Tournament King-of-the-Hill
There were climbers who did it with pulleys and jacks
And others who climbed over those climbers' backs

There were swoopers and swingers
who swung with such zest
That the rest of Us cheered and assisted their quest
As they grappled and battled their way to the top
--Though occasionally, one of these heroes would drop

Up near the Great Hoop and the highest-up Wheels
Lived Big Wheeler-Dealers who made the Big Deals
In pumping and piping and pushing Go-Goop
Or in selling machines like the Go-Gooper Scoop

Of course all the Big Wheeler-Dealers agreed
That the Tower must rise at the speediest speed
So they put out a paper describing their views
And sent it down-Tower--the Top Story News

"Onward and Upward! It's our Higher Calling!
Pump up the plumbing! Have no Fear of Falling!"
--So said the Top Story News, when its readers
Were right in the middle of choosing their leaders

And soon, the Go-Goopers' own troopers took power
In all of the uppermost floors of the Tower
And thus, in the year of Gazillion and One
The "Era of Zooming-On-High" was begun
In the Great Hoop itself, in the hub of the hub
Sat Drumbeater, Itchascratch, Shackles, and Shrub
They'd angled and wangled 10 years for this day
And now had the whole Tower under their sway

Shackles, 'twas said, was the brains of the group
Who'd planned their campaign to command the Great Hoop
Drumbeater's job was to fend off the foe
While Itchascratch spied on the Tower below

As for Shrub, he was born umpty-five stories high
And yet somehow he seemed like a regular guy
Just the guy to tell Us-ers Below not to worry
When Us-ers Above seemed to hustle and hurry

Shrub had no patience for fretters and frowners
"True Us-ers aren't fussers! We're Uppers, not Downers!"
He said to a roomful of Who-When-Where-What-ers
--and muttered a few other stutters and sputters

What Shackles and Shrub hated most was a Why-er
When people said, "Why must we always go higher?"
Or, "Why do we have to use so much Go-Goop?"
They'd have Itchascratch send down a Snitch or a Snoop

. . . Which is why, when the Tower would shiver and sway
Most Us-ers had little or nothing to say
Whenever the Tower would wiggle or wobble
They'd say, "We have no right to quibble or squabble.
Let's stick to our level and stay out of trouble!"
But then there were Them--all those strange other peoples
Who had their own citadels, turrets, and steeples
Fragile things standing in lakes of Go-Goop
Amid a grim desert of black Go-Goop Poop

While a few Them-ers lived at a humongous height
There were many more slogging along, out of sight
Down under the weather, down under the smoke
A hardscrabble rabble of penniless folk

They worked on the land, scratching acres of stubble
Or dug out Go-Goop from the nearest big bubble
Though some of them traveled to find the Great Tower
And work there for chicken feed--two specks an hour

Still others who'd spent all their lives in the cellars
Had come to resent all the Great Tower's dwellers
Some even said, "Us-ers are demons and devils!
It's time for their Tower to fall a few levels!"

And Shrub, staring down at their small, scattered palaces
Seeing Them stare back at him with mixed malices
Sent down the word through the Top Story News:
"It's Us against Them, and we Win or we Lose!
And if you disagree with me," Shrub said, "Ahem--
You can't be with Us--so you must be with Them!"
The scariest Them-er was Goddam Ga-Zing
A swaggering bully who'd made himself King
He lived in a fortress half-buried in sand
On top of a huge heap of Goop-bearing land

Goddam was a climber, both ruthless and proud
Who'd built up his heap to peep over the cloud
It was rumored that under his fortress of stones
The foundation was made of his enemies' bones

It had suited the Us-ers, a long time before
To side with Goddam in a Goop-grabbing war,
Even giving Goddam a 10-ton blunderbuss--
Until one day he brandished the blunder at Us

"And ever since then he's been nothing but trouble--
A time bomb on top of a great Go-Goop bubble,"
Said Shackles to Shrub, sitting in the Great Hoop
"But if we defuse him, we'll get his Go-Goop!"

They watched and they waited, they double-dog-dared
They badgered and bugged, but Goddam wasn't scared
He stuck to his ground, even though he was grounded
By Us blunderbussers who had him surrounded
And Shackles to Shrub muttered, "Steady, boy, steady
I'll let you know when--but now we're not ready."
Then one sunny morning there came a loud Boom
That shook the Great Tower and rattled each room
All Us-ers looked upward, and saw with dismay
That two higher spires had splintered away

The spires, and all of their dwellers, had tumbled
And fallen so hard that the whole planet rumbled
and terrified Us-ers sent up a great cry:
"Who did this to Us?" they all cried, "Who, and Why?"

And a voice answered back, "This is Ali Ka-Blam
But don't even bother to guess where I am
My gang is all over! We strike from below!
We'll hit you again--Where and When, we don't know

"As to Why . . . " Ka-Blam started--then Shackles broke in
"Don't listen to him--Don't you even begin!
He'll bring down the Tower of Us if we let him!"

And Us-ers agreed on the need to go get him
Ka-Blammers were fingered and captured and tracked--
But Ali himself pulled a vanishing act
Drumbeater, told to go hunt for the foe
Stared over the empty brown fog down below
"You know," he said, "What if we can't find Ka-Blam?
This could be our chance to go after Goddam!

"Ka-Blam is a nuisance--a huge party poop--
But Goddam is on top of goo-gobs of Go-Goop!
The people are frantic, demanding some action . . .
and frankly," he added, "they need some distraction."

(The Tower had lately been swaying and swerving
Which Us-ers Below and Above found unnerving
The Big Dealers' Wheels whizzing wildly on top
Were causing each other to flutter and flop--
And occasionally, one of those Big Wheels would drop )

But Drumbeater smiled, "There's a new kind of Boom
We can point at a target and let it go--zoom!
It goes for the kill with such surgical skill
We can blow that Goddam fellow off of his hill
And barely one dollop of Go-Goop will spill!"

The Us-ers were puzzled. They paused and said, "Well . . . "
And Shrub said, "It's settled! We'll blow him to Hell!
The building of this mighty Boom starts tomorrow!
We'll do it if we have to beg, steal, and borrow!"
So straight from the side of the Great Tower of Us
They built a huge trestle, a trellis, a truss
A crane with a crank and highly armed arm
And Shackles declared, "It'll work like a charm!

"Of course, it will run off our Go-Goop supply
(And the price will go up as our bubbles go dry)
And of course it'll throw the whole Tower off kilter
(But we'll manage that with a big counter-tilter)

"Of course we'll need soldiers, the best of our best
To march out and put our big Boom to the test
But when it's all over, gosh, won't it be GREAT--"

Then somebody somewhere below shouted "Wait!!"

Shrub turned around and looked down--So did Shackles
Drumbeater looked, and he hiked up his hackles
Itchascratch hiccuped--his upper lip curled
They'd forgotten about the so-called Nother World
The hundreds of Towers that stood under Us's--
Some of them owners of big blunderbusses
And every last one intertwined with the Loop
That linked the Great Hoop to the source of Go-Goop.

"Wait!" cried the Nothers, "Consider what's coming!
Remember--the Go-Goop that runs in our plumbing,
The Goop that keeps all of our Hoops going 'round,
And the Goop that Goddam has in store underground--

"Us Goop or Them Goop, it's all of the same Goop
The same old be-careful-it-bursts-into-flame Goop!
The stuff that we use to go higher and faster
Could take us all down in one great big disaster
Blow up Goddam and the next thing you know
The next thing will blow and then on it will go . . .

"Just look at our Towers, all shifting and shaking
Our wheels are all wobbling! Our plumbing is breaking!
And all it would take is one well-aimed ka-blam
While you're bent over double to get at Goddam . . .
"And all of us could wind up under the weather
Because," said the Nothers, "We're tied up together!"

But Shrub, with a shrug, said, "We'll go it alone."
He turned and he frowned and he hung up the phone

From his High Command Post in the highest-up room
Shrub issued the order to lower the Boom
The weapon was readied. The whole Tower groaned.
"Our purpose," Shrub thundered, "will not be postponed!"

And then, as he hovered, he felt a sharp peck
As if an ice pick put a nick on his neck
"Ow!" hollered Shrub, "Did that come from Ga-Zing?"
"No," Shackles said, "It's from Lo No Ka-Ching!"

"From where? Over THERE? Golly, what do you figger?"
Shrub said as his finger closed over the trigger
"Let's deal with them later," he said, taking aim,
"Ka-Ching has no Go-Goop. They're not in this game!"

A tremor and clamor came up from below
As Us-ers of every level yelled "No!"
While others said "Go!" and still others said "Wait!"
Shrub's short index finger lay heavy with Fate
The Us-er's great power hung out on a limb
Shrub knew the whole planet was staring at him
The Great Tower started to shiver and rattle . . .
Shrub narrowed his sights--
and prepared to do battle. . . .

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